


To Have And Not To Hold

by wyntirrose



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: Comfort, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-24
Updated: 2011-08-24
Packaged: 2017-11-10 05:07:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/462517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyntirrose/pseuds/wyntirrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a disastrous battle, Trailbreaker tries to comfort Fireflight only to learn that that the Aerialbot has more on his mind than comfort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Have And Not To Hold

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note:This was written for the TF_Rare_Pairings community over on LiveJournal for their Weekly challenge. Special thanks to bittereloquence for providing help and encouragement with a very stubborn fic, and for betaing.

_Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.- Alan Watts_

Trailbreaker sighed in exhaustion as he looked around the packed medbay. The battle today had gone terribly, in no small part due to his failure to take into account just how single-minded the gestalts were. As individuals they were intelligent, reasonable beings, but when in their combined form they became relentless, unreasoning mechs. In his defensive strategy, Trailbreaker had forgotten just how much Superion hated Menasor and had forgotten that when he had a target, the Aerialbot gestalt would not be swayed. He also hadn't realized that Menasor and Bruticus were capable of working together.

"Breaker, they'll be fine," Ratchet said softly as he passed behind the big mech. "And stop blaming yourself."

"I'm not blaming myself," Trailbreaker replied as he brushed his hand over the back of Silverbolt's helm, gently.

The Aerialbot commander was thankfully offline while he waited for his new wings, his old ones having been crushed when Superion fell on his back. The young mech had been in agony, not only his own, but he also shared the pain of his brothers. Menasor and Bruticus had not been gentle with the Autobot gestalt.

"Trailbreaker, you areblaming yourself. It's written all over your face. Now stop it!" Ratchet snapped, looking up from where Air Raid lay near Skydive. The two were the least injured of the Aerials, having suffered a shock to their systems when Superion had had his knees kicked out from under him by Bruticus.

Trailbreaker was about to protest when Ratchet cut him off with a sharp wave of his hand.

"No, I don't want to hear it. It's not your fault that Superion can be a stubborn as a mule and as dumb as a sack of bearings. Not to mention that fact that if you hadn't been there with your forcefields, things would have been a lot worse," he said, his tone slightly less irritated.

Trailbreaker's look spoke volumes. He didn't entirely believe the CMO, but he also wasn't going to push anything. Instead, he changed the subject.

"How's Slingshot doing?" he asked, approaching the far table carefully. The young jet was recovering after massive surgery to repair the damage done by Menasor's Atom Smasher gun.

"He'll be fine," Ratchet replied coming to stand beside the tactician and check Slingshot's vitals. "It was touch and go for a while, but he'll be fine in a few weeks. I anticipate that Air Raid and Skydive will be out of here tomorrow. Silverbolt will be released as soon as Wheeljack finishes fabricating those new wings."

"And what about Fireflight?" Trailbreaker asked, looking over at the youngest of the Aerials, sitting in a chair near his brothers while trying to look as small and inconspicuous as possible.

Ratchet looked over at the Phantom, nothing but sympathy written on his face. "He's fine. Physically at least. Getting thrown free from the gestalt was the best thing that could have happened. He's only suffered minor scrapes and dings, and his systems were rattled, but it's nothing a good recharge and some fuel won't fix. I already told him to get out and go back to the Aerie." Ratchet looked pointedly at Trailbreaker. "It was about the same time I told you to get out. I need the space for patients, not concerned relatives."

Trailbreaker had the good grace to look sheepish at that. "Yeah, I know, I just thought that I might be able to help."

"You're not a medic, and I have no need for your forcefields," Ratchet said, brushing off the SUV. With his next words, his tone softened. "Seriously, you've done more than your share today, and given that you shielded the Aerials until Defensor and the Dinobots arrived, I'm amazed that you're still standing."

The medic patted Trailbreaker's arm gently. "Seriously, go get some rest. And take that one with you," he added, nodding toward Fireflight. "I'll let you know the moment any of them come out of recharge. Of course, given that they're all sedated, that won't be until tomorrow morning at the earliest."

Trailbreaker paused for a moment looking around at the Aerialbots before finally nodding.

"Okay. Okay, you're the boss. And I guess we won't be of any use to anyone if we're too exhausted to function."

"Oh, speaking of," Ratchet said softly, taking hold of Trailbreaker's arm with an urgent grip. "I need you to do what you can to get Fireflight to recharge. I mean, really recharge."

Trailbreaker made no attempt to hide his confusion. "If he's that bad off, why not just sedate him. I can carry him back to his room if you're worried about space in here."

Ratchet shook his head. "It's not that. If it was simply a matter of his resting so that his self-repair systems could do what they needed to, it'd be one thing. But he won't defrag while sedated, that that's what he needs more than anything right now. The last scan I took, it looked like he hasn't had a proper defrag cycle for weeks; maybe more than a month."

Trailbreaker's gaze moved to the young jet before nodding. This was something he could do beside feeling sorry for himself, and really, Ratchet was right; that wasn't anything either he or Fireflight could do save get in Ratchet's way.

oOo

Fireflight sat in the same chair he'd been sitting in since Ratchet had cleared him. He tried to take up as little space as possible so as not to attract the CMO's ire; the last thing he wanted was to be forcibly removed from the med bay. Ratchet had already made it clear he wanted him out, that he was taking up needed space and needed to go recharge, but Fireflight just couldn't leave his brothers; and he hoped that as long as he was very, very quiet and unobtrusive, Ratchet would forget about the mandate.

"Flight?"

Trailbreaker placed a gentle hand on the Aerialbot's shoulder.

"Fireflight?" he repeated, squeezing the jet's shoulder gently. "Come on, Flight, you need to recharge."

"I can't leave them," Fireflight said softly, his voice hoarse and broken. "I need to be here when they wake up."

"I know, Flight, I know. We both need to be here," Trailbreaker said, his gaze moving over to Silverbolt's still form. "But we aren't any good to anyone if we're exhausted. I promise Ratchet will let us know when they wake up. He said we'd be the first to know. You know he doesn't lie, right?"

Fireflight nodded slowly, looking up at Trailbreaker uncertainly. The words made sense, but there was still this overwhelming need telling him that he had to stay near his brothers.

"Flight, they're sedated and won't wake up until tomorrow morning at the earliest. Sitting here staring at them all night won't help them any. And, besides, we both need to be awake and able tomorrow so that we can help them get back to the Aerie and give them the pampering they're going to need," the big SUV said gently, offering his had to Fireflight.

The jet looked at the proffered hand and hesitated. After a long moment he took the silent offer and stood. As soon as he was on his feet Trailbreaker pulled him tight against his side in a one armed hug.

"Come on, sweetling. Let's get you to bed," Trailbreaker murmured.

As they passed the Aerialbots' beds they gently touched each of them in turn, with Trailbreaker pausing at Silverbolt, stroking the Concorde's helm gently.

oOo

Trailbreaker lead the young jet back to the Aerie, but as they walked Fireflight became more and more exhausted until the SUV gave in and picked him up, cradling him close in gentle arms.

"We're home, Flight. Come on, let's get you to bed."

Fireflight snuggled against Trailbreaker's chest. "'M filthy," he murmured. "Can't recharge dirty."

Trailbreaker chuckled, a soft rumbling sound. "Okay, Sil has a shower you can use."

The big SUV carried the smaller mech into the Concorde's room and the washracks, setting him down gently on the threshold. When Fireflight wobbled on his feet and leaned heavily against the wall, Trailbreaker stepped in to steady him.

"Okay, come on, Flight. Silverbolt will never forgive me if I let you recharge in the shower. And Ratchet will reformat me into a toaster if you hurt yourself."

Without waiting for permission, Trailbreaker turned on the shower and slipped in behind Fireflight. The room was just big enough for two large mechs to use slightly uncomfortably, so the SUV was able to move in behind the smaller Phantom without crowding him.

"I'm just going to get your back and then when I'm sure you won't topple over, I'll leave you to the rest, Okay?" Trailbreaker asked.

"I – I guess so," Fireflight murmured.

"Good." Trailbreaker began to carefully wash the Phantom's back, paying close attention to his nosecone.

It didn't take long before the young mech was leaning against his hand, a full sense of relaxation surrounding him like an aura. Trailbreaker couldn't help but smile as felt the change in him.

"Okay, your back's done. Turn around, little firefly and let me get your front," he said, taking hold of the jet's shoulders and turning him gently.

"I can do that," Fireflight murmured, his words slurring slightly with exhaustion.

"You're falling asleep on your feet, and I don't mind," Trailbreaker said as he started to gently wash Fireflight's front, careful to work out all of the dirt and grime he'd collected when he was thrown free from the gestalt in the battle.

As he cleaned the smaller mech, he did what he could to wash the worst of the grime off his own plating. Silverbolt wouldn't be pleased if he got mud in their berth. Again.

He was so focused on Fireflight that he was actually surprised when he felt the small hands on his chest.

He looked down at the young jet curiously. "Flight?"

Fireflight looked up at the big mech shyly. There was something else there too that made Trailbreaker squirm a little inside.

"I- I just want to help," Fireflight said shyly.

Trailbreaker took the Phantom's hands in his own and squeezed gently. "It's okay, Flight. I think we're done. Let's just go get some recharge, okay?"

There was a flash of disappointment across the jet's face before he hid it with a smile, though it was still there at the edges of his optics. It was a glimmer that spoke of a hope for something more even though he knew he shouldn't and probably couldn't ever get what he thought he wanted. Rather than focus on the confusing emotions, Fireflight nodded up to Trailbreaker and allowed himself to be led from the washracks.

oOo

Trailbreaker pulled Fireflight close against him and petted the back of his helm gently.

"Just try to get some recharge, little firefly," he said softly as he started to rumble his engine gently. He'd learned after a multitude of jetpiles that the Aerials seemed to respond to the low vibrations of his engine. Maybe it was because it sounded so different from the higher whine of their turbines and or maybe it was simply the vibrations themselves. Either way, the act seemed to help all of the jets fall into recharge. Even Slingshot, much to the Harrier's dismay.

"It's strange," Fireflight murmured as he attempted to burrow into Trailbreaker's chest.

"What's strange?" Trailbreaker prompted when the Phantom failed to elaborate.

"Being in the berth with just you. I'm used to the jetpiles," Fireflight replied. "But this is nice, having you all to myself."

He broke off, a blush colouring his optics. Trailbreaker felt that little squirm of doubt form again at Fireflight's words and demeanour but wasn't entirely sure how to react. The logical thing would be to stop this little crush in its tracks before it got out of hand; but that assumed that this was a crush at all. Fireflight had always been a very cuddly mech, even for a flyer, who were all incredibly tactile beings.

He tried to put the thought out of his mind and instead focused on helping the young mech recharge. He slowed the revving of his engine and started to hum an earthen lullaby he'd heard somewhere. Gentle black hands smoothed over Fireflight's back in a light, soothing circle as he willed the young jet to fall into recharge and rest.

He had intended to be nothing but soothing, careful to avoid Fireflight's nosecone and wings and soon he heard the jet's intakes start to slow to a slow, sleepy rhythm. Trailbreaker was about to follow the Phantom into recharge when he felt small hands start to stroke their way up his sides in a motion that was anything but platonic.

"Uhm, 'Flight?" Trailbreaker said slowly, shifting slightly to move away from the teasing touch. "I, uhm … What are you doing?"

Fireflight's hands froze and he looked keenly embarrassed. "I, uhm, I was just …"

He trailed off his embarrassed mumblings and looked at Trailbreaker. The blush that was rising in his optics suddenly turned to hard determination, and without giving the SUV the chance to react, Fireflight leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Trailbreaker's lips.

Trailbreaker pulled away the instant their lips met as if he had been stung.

"Fireflight, stop."

The Phantom's optics widened in shock and dismay and in a flash he was struggling to get off the berth and out of the room. Trailbreaker's hands closed around Fireflight's arms, holding the smaller mech in place.

"Stop, just stop. Please," he said soothingly, trying to be as gentle as possible with the struggling Aerialbot.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" Fireflight repeated again and again like a mantra.

Finally Trailbreaker pulled Fireflight in against him in a secure hug, rumbling his engine softly. "There's nothing to be sorry about. Just calm down Flight, and we can talk it out. Just relax and calm down."

Fireflight fought for a moment longer before finally collapsing against the big SUV. A sob racked through his body as the mantra started up again.

"… I'm sorry … Bolt is gonna hate me … I'm so sorry …" The words were muffled in Trailbreaker's chest and it was all the tactician could do to calm the flyer down.

"Shhh, Fireflight. It's okay. No one's going to hate you. Just calm down," he rumbled softly, petting soft circles on Fireflight's back. "It's okay. We can talk this out and it'll all be okay."

"It won't," Fireflight sniffled. "I love you and it'll never be okay!"

"I- You what?" Trailbreaker asked, pulling the jet back and looking him in the optics.

"I- I love you?" Fireflight said hesitantly.

With a look of infinite tenderness the SUV cupped the Phantom's cheek. "Oh, Flight … I care about you too, but it's not love. At least not that kind of love."

Fireflight leaned into the touch, nuzzling into Trailbreaker's palm. "Why can't it be?"

"Because I'm in love with Silverbolt, and I could never cheat on him or hurt him like that," Trailbreaker replied, carefully tilting Fireflight's chin up. "I love you like the brother I never had. You are as close to family as I've ever gotten, but it's never going to be more than that."

Fireflight yanked his chin away and tried to pull out of Trailbreaker's grip, but the SUV's hands became like vices.

"No! Don't you even think about it!" the SUV snapped. "I am not going to let you run off and lock yourself up somewhere. You are emotional and exhausted and I'm not going to let you leave until we've talked about this!"

"There's nothing to talk about," Fireflight said sullenly, his optics becoming dull as he shut down emotionally. "I'm hysterical and tired, remember? Just let me go and I'll go recharge in my own berth. We'll pretend this never happened."

"How can I pretend it never happened?" Trailbreaker asked gently. "It did and nothing is going to change that. And having it having over our heads is just going to sour everything we have."

"Everything we have?" Fireflight asked, voice dripping with uncharacteristic scorn. "And what is it that we have, Trailbreaker? We have me watching you with my brother every single day. We have me having my spark ripped out every time I look at you two together. I don't think things can get any more sour than that. Do you?"

"Are you sure it's love you feel?" Trailbreaker asked. "Because believe me, it can be damned easy to mistake a close friendship for love. I did the same with Hound for more vorns than I want to count and it nearly ripped me up inside. I think that maybe all this is is misplaced friendship or-"

"Don't tell me how I feel!" Fireflight cried. A sob ripped its way free from his vocalizer and he began to beat on Trailbreaker's chest with his fists. "I know how I feel! You can't tell me what I feel isn't real! It's not fair!" His words trailed off into hysterical, hiccoughing sobs and his fists slowed their assault.

Trailbreaker pulled the jet in close, holding him tight against his chest and revving his engine softly. "It's okay, Fireflight. Calm down. It's all going to be okay."

"… not okay … You're gonna leave me just like my brothers … I'm gonna be all alone and …" Fireflight's words were muffled against Trailbreaker's chest, but the SUV heard enough to make him wilt.

"Oh, little firefly," he crooned softly, rubbing Fireflight's back with gentle hands. "You're brothers aren't going to leave you. Yes, they're hurt, but they'll all be online tomorrow and they'll be back in here soon enough. And I'm not going to leave you. Not ever."

Trailbreaker placed a soft kiss on the top of Fireflight's helm. "You're family to me, Fireflight, and I don't turn my back on family. No matter what."

Fireflight sank further against Trailbreak's chest, his sobs slowing, the shudders that wracked his body stilling.

"Just recharge, sweetling. I promise we'll talk about all this in the morning when you're calm," Trailbreaker said softly, rumbling his engine soothingly and encouraging the jet to fall into recharge.

Fireflight murmured something unintelligible before fell into recharge, his arms staying tight around the SUV. Trailbreaker brushed the back of the jet's helm tenderly before offlining his optics.


End file.
